Michael Wagener. German-born producer and engineer. Worked with Skid Row, Motely Crue and similar acts. Older brother of suspect Mets closer Billy Wagener. Grandson of Hans Wagener, inventor of the umlaut.

Rod Stewart. Singer. Much requested addition to blog. Rock star turned lounge act. Future spouse yet to be conceived.

Masi Oka.* Actor. Time magazine whiz kid. Reported I.Q. of 180 (same as cast of "Carpoolers.") Authored paper stating sex with a man is by definition a hate crime.

Michael Cimino. Director. Writer. Currently in pre-production of a feminist version of "The Vagina Monologues."

Mathew (or Gunnar) Nelson. Musician. Singer. `90s pop idol. One half of the group Nelson. Son of teen idol Ricky, later Rick, Nelson. Grandson of Ozzie and Harriet Nelson. Toured with Scissor Sisters

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Tom Cochrane. Canadian singer/songwriter whose hit "Life is a Highway" was remade by Rascal Flatts for animated movie "Cars." Seen here striking strike-breaking Ellen's "let's dance" pose.

Bret Michaels. Musician. Singer. Reality TV star. Movie maker. Claims (falsely) to have started the trucker wallet look among lesbians.

Byron York. Journalist. Conservative columnist. Claims cutting own hair is an act of rebellion against the bourgeois.

José Pablo Feinman. Thinker. Party-goer. Wants to change the Argentina flag by applying a tied hanky in the middle.

Ron Reagan.* Left-leaning son of famous right-leaning American politician. Political analyst. Commentator. Writer. Former dancer. Nancy's boy.

Mick Hucknall. Singer. Leader of 1980s pop sensation Simply Red. Recently announced band would break up after it finished touring in 2009, graciously giving all a chance to see them and try to remember who they are.

Brian Setzer. Singer. Songwriter. Guitarist. Band leader. Teaches women's self defense at Hayward, CA, YWCA.

Drew Carey. Comic. Sit com star. Game show host. Since blowing out knee in flag football tournament, spends most of weekend under the hood of brand new Dodge Magnum.

Mick Garris. Writer. Director. Works in horror field and frequently collaborates with Stephen King. Rescues cats and self-published poet.

Michael Flatley. Dancer. Flutist. Chicago native who popularized Irish step dancing in America, replacing pub fighting as number one Irish export.

Don Henley. Singer. Songwriter. Musician. Moral compass for four staggeringly rich middle aged white guys. Current work available exclusively at Wal-Mart. Sworn enemy of someone named Mojo Nixon.

Dutch Boy. Painter. Handy person. Set worker on Ellen DeGeneres's show until WGA strike (refused to cross line).

Ron Jaworski. Sportscaster. Former Philadelphia Eagles quarterback. General Manager of Sisters nightclub.

Mark Wallinger. British artist. 2007 Turner prize winner. Every holiday season for the past 17 years, Wallinger and partner send homemade jams to family and friends.

Neil Finn. Singer. Songwriter. Mullet-y leader of New Zealand pop band Crowded House.

Spike Feresten. Writer. Late night host of seldom watched talk show who, unlike his peer in similar position, is a highly regarded writer and not a scab.

James Brown. Singer. Songwriter. Band leader. Former hardest working man in show business. Founding father of funk. Inspiration for Al Sharpton's former `do. Uncanny resemblance to my son's fifth grade teacher, Miss Reed.